hi

i've missed you this week but i especially miss you today. i need someone to bitch to that will sympathize with me but i just get angry all over again that you're not here anymore. this is so fucking stupid. i really wish this was some huge asshole joke that you're playing. you know, something i'd expect from you.

i see the palm trees blowing around in our beautiful fall weather and it disappoints me that you can't experience simple things like that anymore.  and then i get pissed that i'm left to experience it when i don't want to anymore. you told me you'd rescue me if necessary. well, it's necessary. this life is shit without you around.

ugh

i need you so much today jeremy. just to talk to you again. that asshole can never understand why i feel the way i do about him, but you can. and i know it's because you actually loved me. unlike him. 2 years later and now more than ever i hope i can join you soon. where ever the hell you are. just so we could continue our shit talking.

time...

well it's one of those nights. the kind where i wish i could just text you and ask if you're awake so we could carry on one of our long winded conversations well into early morning. i'm running out of brilliant friends here, jeremy. you're one of the select few who could relate to everything i say and i'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. you truly are one of the most brilliant people i've ever known. how the hell am i supposed to go through life without ever speaking to you again?  it's like that one math problem where i wrack my brain trying to find the solution only to feel super lost in the end and think what's the point? 

sure, i can imagine the things you'd say and i can even imagine the things you'd say to these very thoughts of mine right now. i know you would apologize endlessly for leaving me to wander this world without your usual words of wisdom. and i know you'd be beating yourself up about leaving your family most of all.

so what now?  what now?  i would probably make fun of you for gloating about the impact you have on people normally but i would be singing your praises right along with you if i could just hear you gloating right now. you left knowing how much i loved you but you left NOT knowing how much i would miss you.

crazy, crazy, crazy. you really ARE here with me.  i logged back into FB just to send a message to another friend real quick before deactivating it again and guess who popped up first in the guilt trip suggestions on who will miss me if i leave?  that's right, YOU DID. man, zuckerberg doesn't even KNOW.  pretty sure it's the other way around.

you're there. i know that now.

well today i had another appointment with my NP who prescribes my meds. i told her about you and she sympathized. i was appreciative for that.  and i got a script for my benzos finally.  remember when i got turned down for them previously?  i think you had a part in my success today. thanks for looking out for me my dear jeremy. i miss you so much today and wish you could've been here for me to tell you that.

how is this even real?

january of this year we were having drinks at pappadeaux and now you're not here. how does something like this even happen?? this life is way too complicated for me. i would have given anything to trade places with you, jeremy. ANYTHING. you had way much more to live for. me? i have nothing. nothing. not one damn thing. i needed you so much. why can't you just come back? i would do anything just to have you back.

fun facts

had i not divorced my first husband, today would have been our 21st wedding anniversary. god damn jeremy.

the first thing i forgot to tell you

i read the old man and sea just like you asked me to. i finished it while you were still alive but i forgot to tell you about it when we last spoke. just so you know--it was beautiful. i could envision every single thing that happened in the story. anytime i go to the ocean, i will think of you now. the sun reflecting on the water. that's how i'll know that you're there with me.

technology evolves quickly. and it's hilarious.

one of the things we had in common was our love of new technology. most of all cell phones. you and i = android bffs forever! you haven't been here to witness the stupid iphone 6 craze and of course, it makes me miss you more.

especially now.

so i guess the new iphone 6+ has a bending problem while in people's pockets. haha! i can already see your facebook post sbout it. man, fucking iSheep. anyway, i'm still stuck with my s3 but awaiting the note 4, which i should have soon. it makes me sad that you won't get to see the future of smartphones knowing how excited you were about your m8.

BUT...iphones and their bending problem. haha high five to you on that one, my friend! i love you.

you've already missed too much.

it's only been 3 days since i found out and already i have a million things to complain to you about. ha! my life, man. my life.

sunday, hours before i knew you were gone, bri and i had went to the fashion district here in LA because there was a purse i had been coveting so i went and bought it. afterwards we went to look for shaved ice in eagle rock. i guess i was too excited about the purse so i posted a pic of it on IG and in my excitement while replying to cynthia's comments while walking back to the car, i fucking fell on the sidewalk and skinned up my right elbow and knee. derp. you know i'm a big baby and on monday i had to get ready for school but was afraid to bathe. problem #1. under normal circumstances, i would have texted you and asked for advice. do i get in the shower without the bandages? do i wrap myself up in plastic and hope to avoid water getting on it? you knew about my cutting incident the last time we talked and so i thought you might sympathize.

yeah i know, you sympathize with everything right now because you were ill. but the real jeremy would have told me to stop being a fucking pussy and just get in without all the plastic. so i did. it hurt like HELL but i survived! i'm still in pain but i survived. thank you jeremy, i knew you would come through. you would still be hearing about my whining though.

so i guess this is it, right?

i can name about a million ways i'm feeling and think of a million more things to say. with that said, how the hell do i even start? let's start at the beginning i guess.

5 years ago i found you again. on myspace of course. i didn't talk to you what, since middle school? 8th grade? cynthia would tell me you would give her rides home from school and that's about as much as i knew once we got to high school. you went to LECJ and off i went to bellaire for a whole semester. but that's a whole different story for another time. somewhere im between then and 2009 was a blur. i can honestly say that i don't remember life without you before we started talking again. it's like you never left and i suppose that's what it's supposed to be like when you're such good friends that you can go that long without talking and pick up right where you left off. that was so like us. you knew that though.

well here we are and it's 2014. we picked up where we left off. since then you've been to LA to visit me and i've been back to houston to see you. you know what my life is like though. you are that one constant that is there for me when the wheels in my brain have been spinning too much and i need to talk.

sunday something changed though. let me start off with an apology. i'm truly sorry that i disappeared on you there for a second. i was angry. i had to let everything go. i got rid of the facebook. i changed my number. i alienated everyone. i mean EVERYONE. man, i feel like a giant asshole for that because even though i picked the wrong time in your life to do that, i must have picked the right time to let YOU back in again because i trusted that you were going to be okay when you told me you would. yeah well, you lied. i didn't know you would leave me 16 days later. sunday i found out that you had been gone for a little over a month. A WHOLE MONTH. that's where i knew i had fucked up. had i not deleted my facebook i would have known you were gone the day it happened. august the 15th and my life is changed forever. now i know it literally will never be the same again. it wasn't the same before but now it's REALLY changed. what the fuck am i supposed to do now?? no matter how petty the problem was, i knew i could come to you and you'd have an answer for me or somehow make me feel better and now all that is gone. i am sad. but i am also MAD. mad because you lied. you said you had to be around to watch emery graduate college. you said you thought you were going to beat this. so much for optimism. you're gone and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. i keep thinking up ways in my head that i can somehow tell you something at the last minute but wracking my brain for ideas doesn't help. it's impossible. there's no way i can tell you anything. no more i love you. that's the most heartbreaking for me. i cry for you because my sadness is still too fresh. once again i get to grieve alone. everyone else has had a month to grieve without you and start to move on but my journey is just now beginning. i brought this on myself though and now i have to live with it. my only outlet now is through writing. so here it is...

just so you know--every night i lay my head in the very same spot you once sat at when you came to visit me. at first it was a lonely place because the reason i'm here has nothing to do with you. now it's a comfort. coincidentally, i'm having a bulleit and coke in that same place in memory of you right now. brian brought it home the other day and he said he thought of you when he bought it because you requested it when you came here. even though he is a huge source of pain in my life, that thought warms my heart. he knew how much you meant to me and i know you did too. fuck, jeremy. FUCK. this wasn't the way it was supposed to end up.