hey

so remember the story i told you of the so-called friend i let stay with me a while back and she ended up stealing my shit (previous post)? well first of all, i'm an asshole for what i'm about to say but if anyone would understand, i know it might be you. or maybe not, maybe you were trying to become the best person you could be right before you died. anyway...the bitch died 3 months ago. and you know what? i didn't give a rat's ass. in fact, i still don't.

yeah i'm a bitter bitch, but hey--when i'm wronged, i'm wronged. i don't forget and i don't forgive, as you already know.

whatever though.

so i haven't got anything out to you since last year. well, i had my first graduation so far and i have a measly associates degree to show for it now. whoop. i'm on to bigger and better things at the university in the fall but i think you would be really proud of me regardless. what else? i went to see the cure in may with my sunny and i'm pretty sure you would have seen them in houston had you still been here, everyone i know and they're mom sure as hell went. OH and fucking, PRINCE died. it's been quite the fucking year for famous people dying and it sucks. the presidential election is a farce and i wish so badly to hear your commentary talking about this shit, i can't fucking believe you're missing it all.

the biggest thing i guess is that i've gone to the gym just about every single day since i graduated and hope to keep it up from now on, except i probably should take a break once a week but it's hard for me right now to stop. i have a goal to complete. oh, and i quit smoking. i haven't smoked in 3 weeks now. it's getting easier as time goes by i guess. to me, it's a mental thing so it's easier for me to go cold turkey. so far, so good.

now--want to know why i made these changes? because, B, of all people had to go to the hospital for a dumb thing that made me realize it was a warning sign for him even though he doesn't take it that way. but the thing is, why am i doing this? he clearly doesn't care too much about his health, why the hell should i? why should i take the lead on these changes and implement them and see that he follows through? i realize though that i can only be responsible for my own self. in the end, no one is going to look after me but me. i don't understand it myself why i think i should care, like why?? he used to be the love of my life at one point and then he decided to throw it away like it was a receipt on the car floor. why should i care? i shouldn't. he's caused me to go quite mad since it all happened. you were one of the few who could truly understand and now you're not around for me to tell you how much what he did still pains me immensely, all these years later. i swear i must suffer through PTSD or something because at the most random times, a simple image of him with someone else just pops up in my head. i stare too long at him, or he walks in the door and looks in my direction and because so much time has passed since i found out, it almost seems as all is forgotten in that moment but in my brain, there's that image. it never is though, my mind still races and i still suffer with paranoia and anxiety. i've been on high alert for 3 years now and it's not getting any easier. even looking at him in the eyes is a huge trigger. i mean, this is a miserable way to live.

he's been gone for the holiday weekend and i had fleeting moments where i thought hey, this is good. being alone here is good. no one around and no distractions. i honestly can't wait until that day becomes permanent for me. that right there is my ultimate goal. to be rid of the person who i used to be so in love with...that is now the person i despise the most (next to barry, but it's about equal). i still can't comprehend how it got to this. i never thought i would become so disposable to this person. he doesn't pay attention to me, he doesn't even try to touch me anymore. it's almost as if the truth really comes out and it turns out he never truly cared about me, that it was all fake and has been for quite some time. i guess for him, it's a weight off the shoulders not having to pretend you love and care about someone anymore, right? i mean, i can sort of understand that logic. okay, i know now so he doesn't have to pretend anymore. easy. i'm really scared he's a sociopath, jeremy. i guarantee you, if he were to ever read this entry after i am long gone, he would be saying "that's bullshit" out loud. he simply wouldn't care because there's no convincing him to see things my way and make him understand how his actions truly affected me deep down. i am a truly damaged person. i'm just waiting for the day that i can meet the same fate as you, minus the fighting for life part. i don't have anything to live for now anyway, so i don't even want to bother with this shit anymore.

anyway, i rambled a bit there. sorry. i'm not well jeremy. can you come back now?

...

of course i had to go and read your obituary guestbook and without hesitation, it always makes me cry. your death makes me really really understand how much of an impact someone can have on another person.  and you my friend, you certainly had one hell of an impact.

forgive me

yikes. i haven't written you in a while. sorry jeremy. i know you forgive me though because that's who you are, right?  i guess i should start off with a super heartfelt apology. here it is a new year and i haven't written you once and i'm truly sorry about that.  i've been pretty busy with school and i got off track.

i guess i should start at the beginning. so cynthia came to visit me in january and we had the time our lives. don't think i didn't think of you because we had a moment that i wanted to tell you about so bad and i was so disappointed that i couldn't tell you about it when it happened. so i got last minute tickets to a surprise foo fighters show which turned out to be totally insane!  since it was dave grohl's birthday he had a ton of surprise guests there, one of which was tenacious d and i just about lost it when i couldn't text you at that moment when they came out.  i know you would have been tripping out just from the sheer excitement of me telling you about it! paul stanley, alice cooper, zakk wylde, perry farrell, and even fucking david lee roth came out. it was so amazing, i just wanted to burst with excitement and tell you about it all!  well i guess i just did. haha  let me tell you jeremy, you certainly were there with me in heart. that i truly believe.

school started not long after her visit so i've just been pretty busy with that until now. i still have a little over 2 months left and then get this shit--i only have 7 classes left before i get my AA in art history so i can transfer!  i know you're proud of me, i know it!!

so fast forward to now. i don't know if you remember my friend nicole from middle school but she unexpectedly came to visit me here in LA and i found out something that i never expected i would.  she's been going through a rough marriage and i thought we were finally reconnecting again after not seeing each other in so long.  to make a long story short, she initially came here to go up north and visit a guy friend who it turns out is an ex friend of her current husband that she thought would be a great opportunity to cheat on him.  fucking shady, right?  well she ended up extending her stay since she was having a rough time back at home so i invited her to stay with me and bri. big fucking mistake. after going back and forth on whether to stay to escape an abusive relationship, she ended up getting a job and i thought things were looking up for her, which mind you, bri and i were completely willing to help her as much as we could by letting her stay here. well she ends up getting let go after one day. she still had interviews coming in so i figured she would find something else fairly quickly. nope. a couple of days after losing the first job, she got rejected by 2 more places and abruptly left one day while i was at school.  she texted me when i got out and gave me a sob story about being rejected and so she left to go back to tx to find work since she's a nurse by trade so she could save money and come back and find work here as a nurse in the future. no goodbye, just a hope that i wouldn't be mad or upset that she left so quickly.

this is where it gets REALLY fucked up. i come home to find a bin of makeup sitting out of its drawer in my room and so i finally reply back to her text asking about it. blah blah some bullshit about looking for a chapstick but my guard immediately goes up because we actually have several chapstick type products laying around the house in the open.

sure enough, over the past 3 days i find more makeup mysteriously gone.  then i find a gift card that bri gave me was missing.  i can't even think straight by now so who knows what else is missing at this point.  this bitch was invited into MY house and has the nerve to steal from me!  i confront her through email and text and naturally get no response until i find out her husband's number so i can finally out this thieving bitch and tell him what she's been up to because he really had no idea. and THEN she finally responds with a blackmail threat and tells me that she doesn't have to answer to me or anyone else and to leave her husband alone!  if that's the doesn't say she's guilty then i don't know what else does.

can you believe all this shit?  i literally want to tell everyone i can about this dumb whore and i can't do much of anything about her stealing from me.  i'm so livid, i swear.

the good thing is that i know if you were here you would totally get where i'm coming from.  you always find out who your true friends are in the end.  of course i have one less here that i needed so desperately right now which is why i'm telling you all of this.  i still need you jeremy and i think of you all the time.  and then comes the cycle of me getting angry all over again that you're gone. 

lesson learned though i guess. the good ones always leave you early and the ones you thought were good end up screwing you in the end.  i probably have about 2 really good friends left that i feel i can truly trust. and you--well you're gone. i will never stop being pissed that you're no longer here. i miss you every single day of my life.

hi

i've missed you this week but i especially miss you today. i need someone to bitch to that will sympathize with me but i just get angry all over again that you're not here anymore. this is so fucking stupid. i really wish this was some huge asshole joke that you're playing. you know, something i'd expect from you.

i see the palm trees blowing around in our beautiful fall weather and it disappoints me that you can't experience simple things like that anymore.  and then i get pissed that i'm left to experience it when i don't want to anymore. you told me you'd rescue me if necessary. well, it's necessary. this life is shit without you around.

ugh

i need you so much today jeremy. just to talk to you again. that asshole can never understand why i feel the way i do about him, but you can. and i know it's because you actually loved me. unlike him. 2 years later and now more than ever i hope i can join you soon. where ever the hell you are. just so we could continue our shit talking.

time...

well it's one of those nights. the kind where i wish i could just text you and ask if you're awake so we could carry on one of our long winded conversations well into early morning. i'm running out of brilliant friends here, jeremy. you're one of the select few who could relate to everything i say and i'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. you truly are one of the most brilliant people i've ever known. how the hell am i supposed to go through life without ever speaking to you again?  it's like that one math problem where i wrack my brain trying to find the solution only to feel super lost in the end and think what's the point? 

sure, i can imagine the things you'd say and i can even imagine the things you'd say to these very thoughts of mine right now. i know you would apologize endlessly for leaving me to wander this world without your usual words of wisdom. and i know you'd be beating yourself up about leaving your family most of all.

so what now?  what now?  i would probably make fun of you for gloating about the impact you have on people normally but i would be singing your praises right along with you if i could just hear you gloating right now. you left knowing how much i loved you but you left NOT knowing how much i would miss you.

crazy, crazy, crazy. you really ARE here with me.  i logged back into FB just to send a message to another friend real quick before deactivating it again and guess who popped up first in the guilt trip suggestions on who will miss me if i leave?  that's right, YOU DID. man, zuckerberg doesn't even KNOW.  pretty sure it's the other way around.