hi

i've missed you this week but i especially miss you today. i need someone to bitch to that will sympathize with me but i just get angry all over again that you're not here anymore. this is so fucking stupid. i really wish this was some huge asshole joke that you're playing. you know, something i'd expect from you.

i see the palm trees blowing around in our beautiful fall weather and it disappoints me that you can't experience simple things like that anymore.  and then i get pissed that i'm left to experience it when i don't want to anymore. you told me you'd rescue me if necessary. well, it's necessary. this life is shit without you around.

ugh

i need you so much today jeremy. just to talk to you again. that asshole can never understand why i feel the way i do about him, but you can. and i know it's because you actually loved me. unlike him. 2 years later and now more than ever i hope i can join you soon. where ever the hell you are. just so we could continue our shit talking.

time...

well it's one of those nights. the kind where i wish i could just text you and ask if you're awake so we could carry on one of our long winded conversations well into early morning. i'm running out of brilliant friends here, jeremy. you're one of the select few who could relate to everything i say and i'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. you truly are one of the most brilliant people i've ever known. how the hell am i supposed to go through life without ever speaking to you again?  it's like that one math problem where i wrack my brain trying to find the solution only to feel super lost in the end and think what's the point? 

sure, i can imagine the things you'd say and i can even imagine the things you'd say to these very thoughts of mine right now. i know you would apologize endlessly for leaving me to wander this world without your usual words of wisdom. and i know you'd be beating yourself up about leaving your family most of all.

so what now?  what now?  i would probably make fun of you for gloating about the impact you have on people normally but i would be singing your praises right along with you if i could just hear you gloating right now. you left knowing how much i loved you but you left NOT knowing how much i would miss you.