so remember the story i told you of the so-called friend i let stay with me a while back and she ended up stealing my shit (previous post)? well first of all, i'm an asshole for what i'm about to say but if anyone would understand, i know it might be you. or maybe not, maybe you were trying to become the best person you could be right before you died. anyway...the bitch died 3 months ago. and you know what? i didn't give a rat's ass. in fact, i still don't.
yeah i'm a bitter bitch, but hey--when i'm wronged, i'm wronged. i don't forget and i don't forgive, as you already know.
whatever though.
so i haven't got anything out to you since last year. well, i had my first graduation so far and i have a measly associates degree to show for it now. whoop. i'm on to bigger and better things at the university in the fall but i think you would be really proud of me regardless. what else? i went to see the cure in may with my sunny and i'm pretty sure you would have seen them in houston had you still been here, everyone i know and they're mom sure as hell went. OH and fucking, PRINCE died. it's been quite the fucking year for famous people dying and it sucks. the presidential election is a farce and i wish so badly to hear your commentary talking about this shit, i can't fucking believe you're missing it all.
the biggest thing i guess is that i've gone to the gym just about every single day since i graduated and hope to keep it up from now on, except i probably should take a break once a week but it's hard for me right now to stop. i have a goal to complete. oh, and i quit smoking. i haven't smoked in 3 weeks now. it's getting easier as time goes by i guess. to me, it's a mental thing so it's easier for me to go cold turkey. so far, so good.
now--want to know why i made these changes? because, B, of all people had to go to the hospital for a dumb thing that made me realize it was a warning sign for him even though he doesn't take it that way. but the thing is, why am i doing this? he clearly doesn't care too much about his health, why the hell should i? why should i take the lead on these changes and implement them and see that he follows through? i realize though that i can only be responsible for my own self. in the end, no one is going to look after me but me. i don't understand it myself why i think i should care, like why?? he used to be the love of my life at one point and then he decided to throw it away like it was a receipt on the car floor. why should i care? i shouldn't. he's caused me to go quite mad since it all happened. you were one of the few who could truly understand and now you're not around for me to tell you how much what he did still pains me immensely, all these years later. i swear i must suffer through PTSD or something because at the most random times, a simple image of him with someone else just pops up in my head. i stare too long at him, or he walks in the door and looks in my direction and because so much time has passed since i found out, it almost seems as all is forgotten in that moment but in my brain, there's that image. it never is though, my mind still races and i still suffer with paranoia and anxiety. i've been on high alert for 3 years now and it's not getting any easier. even looking at him in the eyes is a huge trigger. i mean, this is a miserable way to live.
he's been gone for the holiday weekend and i had fleeting moments where i thought hey, this is good. being alone here is good. no one around and no distractions. i honestly can't wait until that day becomes permanent for me. that right there is my ultimate goal. to be rid of the person who i used to be so in love with...that is now the person i despise the most (next to barry, but it's about equal). i still can't comprehend how it got to this. i never thought i would become so disposable to this person. he doesn't pay attention to me, he doesn't even try to touch me anymore. it's almost as if the truth really comes out and it turns out he never truly cared about me, that it was all fake and has been for quite some time. i guess for him, it's a weight off the shoulders not having to pretend you love and care about someone anymore, right? i mean, i can sort of understand that logic. okay, i know now so he doesn't have to pretend anymore. easy. i'm really scared he's a sociopath, jeremy. i guarantee you, if he were to ever read this entry after i am long gone, he would be saying "that's bullshit" out loud. he simply wouldn't care because there's no convincing him to see things my way and make him understand how his actions truly affected me deep down. i am a truly damaged person. i'm just waiting for the day that i can meet the same fate as you, minus the fighting for life part. i don't have anything to live for now anyway, so i don't even want to bother with this shit anymore.
anyway, i rambled a bit there. sorry. i'm not well jeremy. can you come back now?
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